The Hardest Mission
by ThePet
Summary: Eight Jedi and a Sith Lord are trapped in the women's underwear department of M'erks and Spen-ceers.


A/N This idea came into my head while I was scouring Oxford looking for a disk box, which no one, anywhere, seemed to sell. Hmph. The premise is based on 'Father Ted', that wonderful Christmas Special when a large group of priests found themselves lost in the lingerie section of a department store...  
  
"What was it we needed again, Master?" Eighteen-year-old Anakin Skywalker asked impatiently, as he dodged through the slow-moving, dimwitted crowd. It was a cold winter's day, the sky already growing dark, but still the city was overflowing with people, shuffling, cursing, trying to sell things to other people...Obi-Wan had already mind-whammied a Vaneeran smuggler who had offered him illegal holovids, a twelve-feet-tall, purple-skinned something trying to sell monogrammed socks, and an elderly lady collecting for orphaned Sith apprentices.  
  
"We're looking for a datapad storage unit." Kenobi explained, pulling Anakin out of the way of a looming speeder. I cannot believe that the stationer's doesn't sell them. All they had were index card boxes...what century do they think this is?"  
  
"Probably a long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away where computers haven't been invented." Anakin suggested glumly. "Oh! Wait a minute, Master - what about M'erks and Spen-ceers? It's the biggest department store on Coruscant and they sell everything. If they don't have datapad storage units, nowhere will!"  
  
"An excellent idea, my Padawan. Why don't you go in and I'll get us some jaffa."  
  
"Er...Master? I don't think it's wise to split up...I could be in there for hours, that place is the size of a small village!"  
  
"Nonetheless..." mumbled Obi-Wan, looking unhappily at the crowded department store.  
  
"Oh, I'm sorry, Master. I forgot you hate shopping."  
  
"I don't mind shopping! What you're suggesting is suicide!" Obi-Wan snapped.  
  
"I really don't think we have a choice, my Master." Anakin wheedled; he was desperate to find the damn storage units and get back home to a nice cup of cha and a relaxing bath.  
  
"Oh, all right." Muttered the older Jedi. Together, they braved the entrance of M'erks and Spen-ceers. Immediately the pair found themselves trapped in a seething sea of old ladies and simpering shop assistants.  
  
"*This* is why I hate shopping." Grumbled Obi-Wan. Clearing his throat, he shouted above the crowd, "move, please! Let us through! Jedi business!"  
  
A few people tutted at him, but no one moved. Unable to reach their lightsabres with their arms pinned to their sides, the Jedi had no choice but to move with the crowd, getting their shins bruised and backsides pinched, until, mercifully, a narrow corridor opened just off to the left. Obi-Wan plunged through, followed immediately by his apprentice - and the two Jedi found themselves in a mercifully deserted part of the shop.  
"Where are we, Master?" Anakin gasped, rubbing his arm, which stung where an old woman had bashed him with her walking stick.  
  
"I don't know." Obi-Wan replied, glancing around him in trepidation. "But we seem to be surrounded by...oh, Force!"  
  
"What?" Asked Anakin, fearfully.  
  
"Look."   
  
The apprentice followed his master's shaking finger. Horrified, he spun around, staring wildly in every direction. In front of them, behind them, to the left and right - everywhere! - shelves and shelves of...  
  
"Women's knickers!" Exclaimed the young man. "Master, there's lingerie everywhere."  
  
"Yes, Padawan. We are in...the lingerie department." Replied Obi-Wan, gravely.  
  
"Wizard." Muttered the apprentice, distractedly fingering a lacy black bra.  
  
"Stop that!" Obi-Wan snapped. "Lingerie is the path to the Dark Side!"  
  
"I thought that was fear." Whined Anakin. "Is it fear of lingerie?"  
  
"Anakin, we are Jedi; further, we are *male* Jedi. How will it look to the general public if we are found lurking in the ladies' underthings department of M'erks and Spen-ceers?"   
  
"Good point, Master! I hadn't thought of that!"   
  
"We have to get out of here, quickly."  
  
"Yes, Master."  
  
Try as they might, however, no matter which direction they chose, the two Jedi could not find their way out of the endless forest of knickers, bras, and other, less identifiable things; they seemed always to go in a circle, and end where they had begun.  
  
"We're lost, aren't we, Master?" Said Anakin, after twenty minutes.  
  
"I'm afraid so." Replied the older Jedi, sadly.  
  
Helplessly, the Jedi sank down against a large box of buy-one-get-one-free corsets to plan their next move. They had barely started, however, when a shadow fell over them...  
  
"Obi-Wan? Padawan Skywalker?" came the disbelieving voice of Mace Windu. Kenobi and Anakin got quickly to their feet and bowed.  
"Master Windu! We got lost..."  
  
"Heard that before, I have." Growled a familiar voice; Windu had Yoda in a Jerrypack, strapped to his back. The little green troll peeked over Windu's broad shoulder at the young Jedi.  
  
"We really did get lost, Master Yoda." Argued Anakin. "We were looking for datapad storage units and..."  
  
"Hmph!"  
  
"May I ask what *you* are doing in the lingerie department, Masters?" Obi-Wan inquired smoothly. Windu scowled.  
  
"We got lost." He snapped.  
  
"I see."  
  
"Know the way out of here, do you?" Yoda wondered, looking around furtively. "If four Jedi in the ladies' underthings department, members of the public were to see..."  
  
"Quite." Agree Obi-Wan, quickly. "Unfortunately, we really *are* lost."  
  
"We've been trying to escape for ages." Put in Anakin. "But these shelves of knickers all look the same..."  
  
"We are two senior Jedi Masters, a great Jedi Knight, and the Chosen One." Intoned Mace Windu. "Between us, we should be able to find out way out..."  
  
Two hours later, the four Jedi slumped against the same box of cheap corsets and admitted defeat.  
  
"Communicator, have you?" Yoda asked. "Call the Temple for assistance, we could."  
  
"There's no reception in M'erks and Spen-ceers!" Anakin explained, fretfully. "We're trapped!"   
  
"Courage, my Padawan." Soothed Obi-Wan. "The shop must close eventually. Perhaps a shop assistant will be able to guide us to the exit then."  
  
"Prefer it, I would, if spot us, no shop assistant did." Muttered Yoda. "Embarrassing, this is!"  
  
"True. Perhaps we...wait! What's that?" Windu pointed upwards. The air seemed to be shimmering; the shelves of knickers became transparent and dissolved; a vortex was forming...and out of it, looking considerably confused, stepped two familiar figures: Qui-Gon Jinn, and a younger Obi-Wan Kenobi, beardless and complete with Padawan braid.  
  
"Master!" Cried older!Obi-Wan, and burst into tears, throwing himself at the tall, seemingly undead Jedi's feet.  
  
"What the..." Qui-Gon's voice tailed off as he got a good look at the lingerie surrounding them. "Oh, my!"  
  
"Master?" Quavered young!Obi-Wan, "what's happening?"  
  
"We appear to have entered a time warp. Stop crying, down there, you're getting my boots wet."  
  
"I'm sorry, Master." Sniffled older!Obi-Wan.  
  
"Padawan!?" Cried Qui-Gon, in disbelief. "That beard *really* doesn't suit you...it's *ginger*!"  
  
"I've told him that." Piped up Anakin.  
  
"Who are you?" Young!Obi-Wan wondered.  
  
"I'm his Padawan, Anakin Sykwalker." Said the Chosen One, pulling older!Obi-Wan to his feet.   
  
"How are we supposed to distinguish between them?" Wondered Mace Windu, gesturing to the pair of Kenobis.  
  
"Well...how about if we call *you* Obi-Wan..." Anakin pointed to his Master, "and *you*, "indicating Padawan!Obi - "Obi-Two?"  
  
"Very amusing." Said the Obis, with impressively simultaneous sarcasm.   
  
Yoda, ignoring all this byplay, prodded Qui-Gon with his gimmer stick.  
  
"Pleased to see you, I am, but good time for temporal mechanics, this is not. Lost in the underwear department of M'erks and Spen-ceers, we are."  
  
"Oh, dear." Sighed Qui-Gon. "How unfortunate. If the general public was to see six Jedi lurking in the ladies' underthings department..."  
  
"Yes, we've established that." Said Windu. "What we need now is a way out of here..."   
  
Before anyone else could state the obvious, a second vortex opened before the startled Jedi. This time the figures that stepped out of it were unfamiliar - a young, cheesy-looking man, and an older bearded guy who bore a strange resemblance to Obi-Wan.  
  
"Greetings." He said. "I am Obi-Wan Kenobi. Er..." he spotted his younger selves staring at him.  
  
"Great. Now what?" Asked the strange young man.  
  
"We could call this one Obi-Three..." suggested Anakin.  
  
"I usually go by the name of Ben." Corrected even older!Obi.  
  
"Why?" Wondered Obi-Wan the Somewhat Younger.  
  
"No one knows." Replied Ben, sadly. "I'm hoping George Lucas will tell me in Episode III. By the way, my young companion and I are here to change the timeline and prevent the destruction of the Jedi. This is Luke Skywalker."  
  
"All very well, this is", snapped Yoda, "but good time, this is not. Trapped in the ladies' underwear department we are!"  
  
"Good grief! But if the general public should spot eight Jedi..."   
  
"We know!" Chorused everyone.   
  
"What do you mean, the destruction of the Jedi?" Wondered Obi-Two, finally catching up with the conversation. Before anyone could answer, the vortex re-opened...and out of it stepped...  
  
A large, scary looking man, all in black, his head completely covered with a black helmet.   
  
"I am Lord Vader." The newcomer intoned. "I am here to prevent this old man and my cheesy son from changing the timeline and...why are you all standing in the ladies' underwear department of M'erks and Spen-ceers? If the general public was to see..."  
  
"This isn't a good time, Darth." Warned Ben. "I did not foresee this complication."  
  
"Master, that guy has such a cool outfit!" Anakin hissed to Obi-Wan, who frowned at him.  
  
"He is blatantly a Sith, Padawan!"  
  
"But that black thing is so..."  
  
"Hush!"  
  
"We must put aside our differences and work together to escape from this place." Said Vader. "We cannot allow the public to see eight Jedi and a Sith Lord lurking amidst the lingerie."  
  
"But what can we do? We've been trying to get out of here for hours, there's absolutely no way..."  
  
"Good evening, gentlemen!" A precise voice intoned from behind them. Everyone jumped.  
  
"Chancellor Palpatine!"  
  
"May I ask," the Chancellor's eyes swept the group curiously, "what eight Jedi and a Sith Lord are doing in the ladies' underthings department of M'erks and Spen-ceers?"  
  
"We're lost." Replied Windu. "What are *you* doing here, Chancellor?"  
  
"Shopping for underwear." Came the casual response. "Come along, I'll show you the exit."  
  
And he did.  
  
Thus, by virtue of women's knickers, the Jedi were saved, Masters reunited with their rogue Padawans, and the dignity and virtue of eight Jedi and a Sith Lord spared. As for what Palpatine bought from the lingerie department, none but he shall ever know.   
  
  
  
A/N My apologies for this...please review!! 


End file.
